Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Life : Fxcking with my Stability

Wow...I have totally abandoned my blog. This can't be healthy. Anyway I'm here so that's what matters I guess.

So much has happened.

That's really the best way to say it. Its funny how life can fxck with your stability. You think you've got life figured out then out of now where it slaps you across the face with a stench of reality.


I wonder sometimes if I'm dreaming or if life is one big PUNK'd show and God is Ashton Kutcher.

I hate to sound so jaded but for the past few years of my life, I've come to the conclusion that planning anything is pointless. Getting hyped over things you think you've set up for your life is a joke, because if it doesn't line up with God's ultimate plan it will be an utter DISASTER...

So with this new revolution, I've stopped expecting. I don't expect things to go right or wrong, I don't expect life to be smooth, I don't expect my plans to follow through, I don't expect for a prince charming to come and make things all better, I don't expect to find people who will be full of integrity, I don't expect people to do what they say they are going to do. I don't expect anything that would cause disappointment.

I'm done playing with life. I've waved the white flag a long time ago. I'm giving in to whatever it brings. Let things unfold, roll with the punches if you will.

 I just hope I'm strong enough for all these blows...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My little Cousins Singing Gospel

Saturday, July 31, 2010


So I know its been a while...I have definitely miss you. Dear Blog...I'm back.

Anywho...I've been doing a lot of writing in my journal but not much on here so I guess I'll get on a topic that has been HEAVY on my mind and heart....TRUST!!

It is one of the most difficult things I deal with on a daily. To me, trust is like giving someone a loaded 9mm gun, pointing it at your heart and hoping.. "trusting" ..they won't pull the trigger. Get it?

Trust is an issue that I have dealt with for about 10years now...from broken friendship, family hurts, and devastating romantic relationships, my heart and mind have been made into the biggest skeptic over this issue.

The definition of trust goes something like this-->

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2. confident expectation of something; hope.

3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.

4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.

5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

6. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.

7. charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someones trust.

8. something committed or entrusted to one's care for use or safekeeping, as an office, duty, or the like; responsibility; charge. there such a thing as blind trust? I think trust is blind....the only time trust is visible or "revealed" is when it has been broken, sucks right? The only time we truly know whether or not we can trust someone is once that trust has been compromised in some way.
I know we are to suspect the good in a person before the bad...BUT...honestly its a lot easier said than done. I don't have many friends because I only let people get so far---Arms Length---that way they can't hurt me. Its weird because I've a very outgoing sociable person but when it comes time for the one on one...I only open up so much. Just enough...if you really want to get to know MUST have patience because I am simply complex. Yeah I know...
Trust is something I think I will always struggle with...I'm just not comfortable being vulnerable. I could go on forever about this topic but I won't...If only there was a way to be certain. Now that's a super power I'd love to have...THE POWER OF CERTAINTY!!!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Until You Get Here...

The anticipation that is building is becoming overwhelming.
My mind is consumed with the thought of you being here.
The warm embrace I want to give you, the sensual kiss I'm going to plant on you.

Never thought I'd feel this way...
Its safe to say I'm simply falling.
For a love that makes me smile, a love that makes the days worries seem mundane.

So until you get here I'll keep on dreaming.
Until you get here I'll keep on praying.
Until you get here I'll continue to imagine how good it'll feel to finally hold you in my arms.

Until you get here I'll think of what your caress will feel like.
I'll think of how good your skin on top of my skin will be.
I'll imagine how great our first kiss will be.
What our first words to each other might sound like, will you be as nervous as me?

I'm trying to pretend that you're here with me now...
But honestly I know the real deal will be so much more worth while.
I'm ready when you are...
I've played it over and over in my head.
The tension is high and I'm more than ready to give this love thing another try.

Never thought I'd say this but..
I have a feeling you're going to be my most important "Hi..."

Monday, June 14, 2010

Unstable Affair...

As I write this I just let my fingers go...
Let my mind do the talking because for once I'm not sure what to say
I can't seem to figure out this one thing that's on my mind
Can't seem to find the energy to sort out the mess that is has become
Not sure if I even want to try at this point

There are times we just have to stop...
I have lost myself in a situation of ever-changing spaces
A ever swinging pendulum of emotions
I can't lose my balance in this unstable affair
So I hold on to myself because I know I'll never leave me

I can be sure that I'll never hurt me
Well at least purposefully...
There are times we are just as much to blame
Letting someone in that we knew would be no good
Throwing caution of vulnerability to the wind

We don't realize our hands are just as bloody
The pain just as much ours as theirs...
So I apologize to my heart, to my feelings, to my emotions
I wore you on my sleeve and forgot to protect you
Let this naive notion of happily ever after fool me

I was duped into believing that my skeptical brain was insane
But I see that I've only hurt me by not protecting me...
So where to go from here?
No where
For now, just be.

The Things We Do For Friends!! Ughh.. this weekend I went to Palm Springs with for my best friend's birthday. It was suppose to be a weekend full of drinks, laughter, dancing, food, and good conversation with a good mix of people. Come to find out...(the day before)...a few people dropped out last minute and there was still an undecided person possibly coming. Little did I know, there were 3 confirmed couples going. So you know what that meant!? I would be the 7th wheel!!

I was hesitant to go still but my bestie assured me it was not going to be a couple's fest and that there would be at least one other single person going. So being the great friend that I strive to have, I went! And it was just my luck that the other person backed out the DAY OF!!! So I was stuck being the 7th wheel on what felt like a couples retreat!!

This is what that looks like for all you who can't seem to understand the seriousness of my frustration at the situation-->> As you can see everyone is coupled up! Lol smh...
I felt so uncomfortable and was ready to leave the moment we got there, but I stayed because I love my bestie and I knew she wanted me there to celebrate with her. Plus I know that if the shoe was on the other foot she would do the same for me.

So the first night was chill, just ate, and when back to the house. But the second night we went out to Morongo and it was a bust Lol...but the DJ was FIRE!! he was playing all the jams but there was NO CUTIES and I'm VERY picky so I did a lot of dancing with myself and a couple people but I was in my own world so I didn't care. But this is what I was looking like that night.
I had the natural look's too hot to straighten my hair at the moment so I had to rock the curls. Lol but the weekend didn't get better as my Lakers lost tonight as well. Safe to say I'm glad to be back home and in an actual BED! Instead of the couch that I was on the whole weekend while all the other couples were in ROOMS!!! SMH...but uh. Its coo...and over now so I'm ok. But thank God for giving my bestie another year of life. We are truly blessed...

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Risk-Free Love?!?

I wish there was such a thing as "risk-free love" but lets be honest, love is so complex that it requires an "all in" approach. I've had my share of heartaches and breaks but to be honest I'm not looking to be hurt again. I wish there was a way to remove all uncertainty and the drama that comes with opening up your heart to someone.

I seem to always be in a position where red flags are thrown up in my face and I either ignore them or make excuses for them. I wish there was a way I could be certain that the direction I'm going in is the right one and that I'm not setting myself up for more unnecessary drama and heartache. Lately I've been scared of love, not sure if I can trust it again.

I see signs that tell me loves an open road, but there are flags that keep popping up warning me that things may not be as they seem. I'm scared. Not sure if I should keep trusting, keep hoping, keep believing that what I'm being told isn't all smoke and mirrors.

My level of trust in people is at its lowest. I'm trying to be open to new situations and possible love interest but my mind is so critical, my heart is super skeptical and I can't seem to avoid running into moments of happiness followed by dry spells of bitterness and irritation.

 I just want to be happy.
 I just want to be treated the way I treat others.
I just want to love with no limits.
I just want to be able to trust again.
I want risk-free love.

Love that is real. Love that is unconditional. Love that is understanding.

Is that really so much to ask?!

My Trip to DC!!

Hellooooooo.....its been a while, but I'm sick with a killer fever so I've got time to blow and a few things on my mind but we'll start with my recent trip to DC about two weeks ago. I went with my bestie Kristine aka: Chicken to see a couple of our friends that we went to USD with (Danielle and KuKu). We had an amazing time and did so much in such little time but I'll post a few pics...

That's Kristine and I on board Virgin Airlines. Great airline to fly with!! We had hella snacks and our own tv's on the chairs and plenty of space. Definitely look into flying with them one day, the vibe was real chill and modern as you can see by the dim lighting and colorful roof.

The first night we didn't hesitate to get a taste of the DC night life. The first place we went to was a complete bust but the second place was CRACKIN!! Lol
From left to right: (Forgot her name), Kuku, Kristine, Me, Danielle.

We had a good time there but it was all kinds of HOT!! My hair was DONE by the end of the night Lol...
The next day we had a cookout and was DELICIOUS!!! Made specially by Danielle's Jamacian Lover!! LOL hahahaha ;-)

It was so pretty out there and I had everybody drunk off my "Silent Creeper" drink lol
That night we hit up a graduation house party then a club that was SUPER HYPED but EXTRA SMALL!!!
This is what I wore that night...front to back ;-) Lol

Freakin' Kuku never looks the right way!! Lol Gotta love her though.
Yeah all of our eyes were low by this much fun.
After the night finally ended and I hit the bed around 5:30AM!! Lol we spent the day in GeorgeTown and at this outside bar on the bay.

There are so many more pics but these are just a few I thought I'd share. I'll definitely have to visit DC again soon becuase I lowkey miss it already. Great company, food, and drink. Nothing better. Great weekend!!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


*Monique Voice* HEEEYYYYY BABBIES!!! I was checking out some of my newest follower's blogs and I stubbled across the blog of Nick.In.Real.Lyfe ; and I must say I was quite impressed with what I read. One entry in particular made me go "Awwwwww!!!" you know ladies, that kinda awww that makes you wish all guys where this way. It was a poem that spoke of real love, and the kind of love that's real, not contrived. Well I wanted to promote his blog and encourage some no, ALL of you to check out his blog and FOLLOW HIM!! We need more REAL MALE BLOGGERS!! So without futher adieu...enjoy this poem by Nick called "That Kinda Love"

That Kinda Love...

I dont wanna think of love as this four letter word kinda thing
the plain ol I met you so lets exchange a ring kinda thing
then a year later you on devorce court wit judge mablean kinda thing
truth be told, i want that back in the day old type of love
that i wanna be with you until we old kinda love
i want that goin from fades and kinky twist braids to
bald heads and the good wig for sundays kinda love
i want that she down for me kinda love
that when im down on one knee strugglin to keep the heat
or a place to sleep she keeps me in one piece kinda love
i also want that im down for her kinda love
even the payin for the nails and hair or
the singin bear to show her i care kinda love
But we aint focused on the materialistic...
I want that lets kick it kinda love
that random i love you office visit kinda love
that hold her close til i can feel her pulse kinda love
i want that words cant come close to telling you
that i love you the most kinda love.
But most importantly, i want that devine kinda love
that our souls intertwine while having god in our mind
thanking him for taking the time
to help me find this dream girl of mines kinda love
Finally, i want that til the end of time kinda love
that when we make it to those pearly gates
you're still mines kinda love...

Posted by NickInRealLyfe at 6:54am

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Internet Dating?!

*Internet Dating__Cyber Dating__Technology Dating*

Do you do it? Know someone who does? How do you feel about it? I wanna know...

I saw this cartoon and it made me think of all the relationships or "partial relationships" that have been created through technology. With all the social networking sites, meeting someone at a local store, coffee shop, or mall seems like a thing of the past. Twitter, Skype, OovoO, Facebook, Myspace...the list goes on. But doesn't it make you think how much technology has changed us? It use to be taboo for a person to meet up with someone they met online but now a days it seems to be the norm...

I wonder if this style of dating actually works? I've often found myself in long distance relationships so technology is what usually holds my long distance situations going. My last 3 year relationship was with someone I originally met online...crazy right? That was a CRASH and BURN situtation though! Lol each is own I guess. But I thought I'd share this comic and see what you thought about it. So tell me what you think.

As always...I love you for reading and EVEN MORE for commenting!! Muahhh ;-)

Thursday, April 22, 2010

You See My Name In Lights?!

If you don't you or at least that's what my prayer is. My first LOVE is and will ALWAYS be MUSIC!! I love to sing, it pretty much keeps me sane...ANYWAY! I've started a YouTube Music Channel and wanted to share it with you all. I'm going to start taking what many people have told me is "my gift" to sing more seriously, and use it.

So do me a favor by SUBSCRIBING and telling ALL your friends to subcribe as well. Leave a comment, rate...the whole nine!! Lol I'd love you long time and would really appreciate it. On another note, I'm going to an audition for MARY J BLIGE this saturday as a possible background singer!! I need your PRAYERS because I REALLY want to get this gig, it would be such a great experience!! I'll let you know whether or not I make it but between you and me...I'm really hoping I do...Well here is the page, please Please PLEASE check it out and let me know what you think!!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

My Brother ; The Beastie Drummer

Hey hey I have a younger brother and ever since I can remember he has been banging on something. He used to take pots and pans out the kitchen and set them up like a drum set on our fireplace when he was like 2! Lol...he's really talented and has NEVER had a lesson on how to play the drums. It's truly a gift from God. So without futher ado...I introduce to little brother...Michael Cross!!!

Friday, March 26, 2010

I Can't Believe Its Not BUTTA!!!!!

That's Smooth...But I'm Hard

If you're smooth like butta then I must be hard as rye bread...
You spread it on thick clogging every air pocket with your saturated sweet cream.
Having me think of days better than sliced bread.
Floating around in my brain when I could've sworn I was brain dead.

Dead to emotions and all feelings inside...
You leavened this whole lump and put some yeast to make me rise.
I refuse to be puddy or dough in one's hands.
Not looking to be molded or shaped into a symmetrical pan.

I wanna’ rise free, no bleach therapy.
Wheat and multi-grain fill up more paper than artificial claims
I know it may be gross but "I'm Just Saying"
What's the point of buttering me up and swallowing me whole?
When I've lost all hope in man, let alone be good for your soul.

There's mold on my edges and I'm beyond cracked and brittle.
Not ready to soften up, I'm afraid; more than just a little.
Softened up to be spewed out...
I'm sitting here reading your ingredients with much disbelief and doubt

It’s no Wonder I could be talking about bread,
But what's the big deal about needing the spread?
Having something to smooth out the rough parts
You know, take some of the burnt taste away...

Similar to a broken heart, it could help ease the pain.
To smooth out the rough patches, piece together the broken parts.
But if my heart were like bread I'd truly be the molding parts...
Tired of being stuck in this bag…needing to breathe this fresh air called life.
Just let me be, it’s ok if I'm free. I'll just be dry and good to me...

But if for only one night I could scream "I can't believe it’s not Butta"
I'd let you spray all just for your cumin pleasure...
So lay it thick in hopes of getting through; because who knows,
Maybe one day, I'll be smooth as butta too.



Ok so as yall know my BORN DAY was MARCH 20th!! You know I had to do it big. So we started the great weekend on Friday night at the Saddle Ranch in Universal City Walk and lets just say, I didn't leave the same way I came. Hahahahaha LOL

So I love my two girls! My bestie Kristine aka Chicken!! Then the lovely miss Anastasia!! They helped me bring in my bday friday night and it was too much say the least...*falls and all* ahhahahaha...yeah I was gone yall. And shoutout to my BROTHER for being the first to call and tell me happy birthday!! (I love him...greatest lil bro ever)...*side note: if you have a sibling or siblings, love them because they will be the ones there for you when you need them most...real talk*
We ended that night reaaalllll late but it was ok because the next day was the BIG DAY and we had to do some shopping cus I had MONEY TO BLOOOWWWW *Lil Wayne Voice* LOL ;-)

That night we went to Lucky Strikes as planned and had a BLAST no other way to bowl in my opinion...I had the greatest time! The ones who cared most were there and I couldn't ask for anything more. So shoutout to Kristine, Anastasia, Montoya, JLo Lo, Lisa, Janelle, Cherish, and to the sexiest mexican I know JOSE! hahaha ;-) But here was the pic of all of us that night!

Oh and you know I had to get some BORN DAY KISSES!!! LOL hahaha Yeah buddy...rollin' like a big shot!!

I had such a great are a couple more pics from the night:

So after a great night we woke up hella early to go to SIX FLAGS MAGIC MOUNTAIN!!
Best part about it is that we got our tickets FREE!! Yes, FREE!! we got hooked up by some guy in customer service...hahah gotta love it!

We got on just about EVERY ride in the park!! I swear I lost like 5 pounds walking around for like

Yeah...I swear we were just some big kids the whole day. Until that night!! Lol we hit up Lucky Strikes in Torrance *HELLA BLACK PEOPLE* It was great!! They have karaoke and happy hour on sunday nights and we will FOR SURE be making a trip out that way next weekend because it was just too much fun!!

So in all we had a great weekend. A born day to remember for sure!! Great people, food, drink, entertainment, and FREE STUFF!! hahaha.. Can't beat that!! But MOST importantly, I had to thank God for letting me see another year. So many didn't make it to 2010 but I have and I'm thankful. 23 years young and I'm just getting started...this world ain't ready..I'm such a MARTIAN!!! ^_~

Thursday, March 18, 2010


O-k-k-k!! It's about to go down this weekend!!!!!

 *why you may ask?*


Yeah buddy!! I'm going to be 23 years young and like I told you all, I going to give you the info on where I'll be so you can come and celebrate with me and my girls!! We are going out Friday *TBD* to dance and get ooooonnnnnnnn!!! lol

Then we will have a great time at Lucky Strikes in Hollywood, CA on Saturday at 7:30pm!! We're going to enjoy some good food, drinks, laughs, and good company while we bowl then we're going to go out and run the streets of Hollywood all night!!!
So the question is:
You Down?!

AIM: MsCr0ss -- Twitter: @MsCr0ss

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Come See About ME!!

Welcome back...Its been so long. I've missed you all. So much has changed. I'm in a different place right now and I'm enjoying the view for now. I've been going out and just living my life without worry. I'm learning to let things just be...



No chains on me LEAST for 2-3 years. Yes. That's my goal. I'm tired of relationships so I'ma date you ALL!! hahaha jk; I'm practicing being alone for a while because my heart is completely numb to all feeling right now (romantic that is). If God says different then so be it but right now, that's the plan.

They say if you can't beat em' join em' and that's just what I'm going to do!! Lol Naw really, I'm just going to love me more and focus more on my wants, desires, goals, know all the things that matter most anyway. So the pic really doesn't have to do with anything other than the fact that I'm really feelin' my self a lot more these days! hahaha....You like it??

But what's been going on with all of you? I've been out of contact for quite some time. I really do care about yall..well those who actually read and comment! Lol Anywho I hope all is well with everyone. OHHHHHHHHH I almost forgot! My BDAY is MARCH 20th and I'll be celebrating in Los Angeles (my favorite place to be) so I'll post my plans and you can come celebrate with me and some of my girls!!! Sounds like a plan right? ok...stay posted!!

As always, I love you all for reading and even more for commenting!! ^_~

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Come watch me, watch you watch me! Lol ;-)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Dear God: It's OVER!! make a long story short. I'M SINGLE!! Yep, its over, and I'm done. There comes a time where you just have to let God move and do what he wants. I tried to hold on to a relationship that wasn't good for me spiritually or emotionally. No matter how much I loved him, it didn't matter because he could never understand it or know how/was willing to reciprocate it. To me, he doesn't really know what true love is... Understanding that unconditional love is learned through a true relationship with God. Because when you love someone you don't give up on them...

My heart still misses him, but my brain is tired, extremely hurt and moving on. Though a part of me feels like I just wasted 2 1/2 years of my life, it was a learning experience for me too. I had to learn that no matter how good a person may look on the outside, if their insides are filled with self-righteousness, arrogance, and pride, its going to be difficult to make any progress, emotionally, with them because you will always be analyzed and blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship. In short...(because I refuse to let this take up much more of my life and emotions)...I'm Done.

So this is my letter to God:

     Dear Alpha & Omega,
               Over the past 7 years, I've had 3 major heartbreaks. But this last one really did a number on me. He is ever present in my thoughts and often times the first thing on my mind. (Sorry)...I'm guessing this is why you've chose to take him away. I understand you are a jealous God and want to be first at all times. I failed to realize that then but am fully aware now. As I rededicate my life to you, there are just a few requests I'd like to make regarding the next man you send my way:

1. Let him be sold-out for you and have a true love and relationship with you
2. Make him understanding
3. Let him be taller than me... (in heels too) lol
4. Allow him to love his family unconditionally
5. Give him patience and empathy for others
6. Let him be a praying man
7. You know I love personality and charm so give him some of that too
8. If he truly loves you, I know he'll be faithful to me
9. Give him a strong work ethic and ambition
10. Allow him to lead me and for me to follow
11. Let him like PDA! lol
12. Give him passion and romance
13. If its not too much to ask, can he be fairly easy on the eyes? Can he be sexy? That's ok right?
14. Looks aren't everything but I do like a fit and in-shape man
15. Give him the ability to have great, intellectual conversation
16. Money isn't everything but can you make sure he is a good steward with what you bless him with
17. Let his partying and game playing days be non-existent
18. The past is the past but I'd rather not have a man that's ran through lots of females
19. I love kids so he has to too
20. I can't really think of much else but above all else: MAKE HIM MORE LIKE YOU!!!

This is my prayer and open letter to you, please mend the broken pieces of my heart back together again and make it like new. I no longer want to love him so please take this feeling away too. Take away the dreams, and take away the emptiness he created. I know it's going to take time but you control it so please push time rapidly forward. I don't want to feel this pain; I simply don't have time for it. Gone through this too many times and I'm personally beyond through with it. I can't take anymore heartache my emotions are stressed and tired. So give me your peace and healing power, because I need it more than ever at this hour. I'll thank you in advance and leave all of this baggage here. I know you'll come through; I've got my complete faith and trust in you.

Yours Forever,
         Tiffanie AnnMarie Cross

Monday, February 1, 2010

Love Don't Love Me...

Ok so I haven't talked to "Him" since friday night, he was suppose to call me back but never did and I haven't heard from his since (IT IS NOW MONDAY NIGHT) Ummm WTF?! We got into an arguement about what I'll maybe explain later but its stupid and I'm tired of dealing with this crap. My trust level with him is at an all time low and I've been praying and asking God to just give me peace and direction with the situation. I'm not going to do this childish "I'm mad so I don't wanna talk to you" nonsense much longer. I did NOTHING wrong so why am I the one being treated like crap?! I don't get it...

I'm not going to call him because I'm tired of being the one who is always the first one to reach out and fix things. If he doesn't want to be with me then is what it is. Life goes on, but I gotta keep it real. It would really suck. I've been keeping myself busy and happy though because happiness is a CHOICE!! Remember that...

"People come and people go, but my JOY remains with me always"

That's been keeping me at peace, that, prayer and these comics!! Lol They are too funny. With my emotions raging and being upset with the confusion that is my relationship having music and laugher keeps me going.

These two caught my eye and had me laughing on the outside but a bit bitter on the inside because I can relate to them so much right now...As usual I put the relationship in God's hands so this time whatever happens I'm going through with the results whole heartedly...whatever that means right?! Ugghhh...

Saturday, January 30, 2010


Hello all..welcome new followers..don't be strangers! today was interesting. After a long day of serving people...and opening a savings account at a credit union...I had to deal with some drama that got started all because niggas don't know how to keep their mouths SHUT!!! So I came across this cartoon and it needs to be shared because I feel like I'm in a similar situation but with opposite results:

You know with Valentine's Day coming up, I'm sure many guys will be finding ways to start conflict with their significant other so that they don't have to spend a lot a, or do much for their partner...don't act like you didn't know people do that...but anyway. When conflict arises in your relationship, most people's reaction is to leave, or create distance. NEWS FLASH: THIS ONLY MAKES THE PROBLEM WORSE!

It doesn't create more closeness or make the other person want you more, or make the issues go away; it just creates a wall and builds up animosity in the relationship. When a problem or conflict arises, its best to stop being defensive, set your ego to the side, and try to work whatever it is out. THAT'S IF THE PERSON IS WORTH IT!!

Today so many people only want the easy road to everything, including relationships, but the real is, CONFLICT helps you grow in ANY relationship, its the ones who know how to handle it properly that end up lasting "Long-Term"...That's what I'm striving for. I want to be able to handle conflict without it handling me...

I want someone who understands and wants that as well...

Now go run and tell that... THAT IS ALL!!

Monday, January 25, 2010


Hey hey hey!! You miss me? I've missed yall that's for sure. Lets just get right to it!

I took a VERY SPONTANEOUS trip to VEGAS with my BFF Kristine "Chicken" Thompson, friend Anastasia, cousin Zarinah and her friend...umm I forget her name. Lol.. ANYWHO, we talked about going but never made acutal plans so we just left it alone. But saturday morning, Kristine and I wake up and decide...LETS DO IT!! So we reserve a room at the Circus Circus for only $116.56 (split between 5 do that math!) greatness..then we get the "hook up" from her sister who works for Enterprise Rental Car (shout out to them!!) and we got a black on black jeep liberty, which was nice to drive but it can't whip like my lil black civic! lol hahhaha..

So we leave around 3, swoop up my cousin and her friend in San Bernardino by 3:30 and got to Vegas by 7:30...yeah I was speeding...SO!!! =P We stayed for 3days and 2nights...just enough. We were so excited to be there and were so ready to just let loose and have a good time. There are so many pics from the trip but I'll post a few.

So this is the first night. We didn't pay to get into ANY clubs and decided to hit up ALL the clubs in the Palms on Saturday.

From left to right: Me, Anastasia, Kristine, Zarinah. It was so crowded in the first club we went to that we just danced with each other till some LAMES tried to get all up in our know I had to shut that mess down...EXCUSE YOU!! Lol...
We were getttin' it on the dance floor I must say, but if only I had my boo-thang with me! Lol...I had the freak em' dress on and EVERYTHING!!

The night was so great I can't express how much fun we had. We didn't need a bunch of dudes to make us happy, even though there were a bunch of thirsty ones trying their hardest ALL NIGHT! It was fun just being silly and dancing around. The next day we went to a few shops, watched the Charger/Jet game and then to Fat Tuesdays!!! Great place to go and get a good drink that will last most of the day and have you feeling like this:

What we were laughing about...I couldn't even tell you because I simply DON'T REMEMBER!! hahaha.. That same night we went to this club called Vanity which should be called RACISM! Because they were definitely NOT trying to let us beautiful black women in their club, or any black person for that matter. We had to bum along with this white guy and two white girls just to get in and not stand in the GUEST LIST LINE for an hour...SMH...

Yeah I'm the amazon woman in the middle...SO!! Lol..but we had an awesome time and will definitely be making more spontaneous trips to a town near YOU! lol...ok maybe not, but hey you never know. Our next trip will be a cruise so WHO WANNA GO!?!

Moral of the trip: Don't let life get you stuck in the details of things, live your life as God gives it to you. Live in the moment of NOW! Don't wait till everything falls into place to make a decision. Step out and make life happen and work for you. I'm always cautious about the decisions I make but this year I'm embrassing the spirit of SPONTANEITY. You should do the only have one life to life. Live it to the fullest!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Happier Days To Come...

Well yesterday was alot for me you could probably tell. But um...I'm not going to appologize because that's what my blog is vent and express myself freely without worrying about being boxed in by others expectations. So after doing a lot of thinking, I've started making moves toward my 2010 plan to be great. I filled out my FAFSA so law school here I come...please welcome me with open arms!! Lol The music thing will always be an ongoing process, gotta build some fans...How about you!!! Lol I'd appreciate it... But anywho I'll be posting some of my music up soon stay posted. Also, if you write, play, produce, record music and want to take care of some business...DON'T HESITATE TO HIT ME!!

In other vains...I had a very interesting convo with "HIM," at first we just started talking about problems like we normally do and just get frustrated with one another, then He paused, realizing that this stuff wasn't getting us anywhere and we decided to just put all the bs aside and just start new. To let go of the past and take everything that ever happened, that was negative, and just push it out the window with 2009. Now I know some of you may be thinking: "wait, after all that stuff you wrote yesterday he gets back in good graces like that?" The answer is, Yes, HELL YES!! It's like this poster I saw Withlove__Starz post earlier today:

You see, I love him. He's my heart. There's no one else I want. Even when he pisses me off I still wish he was here with me. When I feel like I can't stand him and that I just want to give up, my heart screams at me and tells me to please try once more. It's been about 3 years and my feelings just keep growing. I can't put my finger on exactly what it is that makes me so into him and boo all the other lames that come at me. That's my baby, my boo-thang, my sweetie, my CARE BEAR! Conflict can be healthy but we're both ready to just put that aside and get back to the peace in our relationship. I know that getting closer to God will only help this so I know that I need to hold myself more accountable for the things I do.

I'm so ready to start fresh. I want to be happy with him. There are so many other guys that try but just don't measure up. I'm excited and look forward to happier days with my saying that. I know nothing is perfect all the time but when I'm with him nothing else matters. This song says it best...listen to it and GOODNIGHT! As always...I love you for reading and double time for commenting!!

Monday, January 11, 2010

::WARNING:: Extreme Emotion...

I've been avoiding this all day but here goes nothing... 

::WARNING:: this is just going to come out as I think it and type it. So there may be a lot of grammer hypocrisy getting ready to take place. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!

There is so much on my mind I don't know where to start...

Where the heck am I going to go in May? (I've gotta be out my parents house by then and I'm in no position to do that yet) Ugh...I hate that they moved to! what is this place??? I feel like I'm rotting as I type this. There is NOTHING HERE!! NO JOBS! NO FRIENDS!! NO SOCIAL LIFE!!! I'm just existing here...passing the days away waiting and waiting for an opportunity to spark, for God to open a door, shoot I'll craw through a window if he cracks one! I know I haven't been as close to God as I should be or have been but lately I just feel like the more I try, the more things fall apart. The more I reach out, the further things seem out of reach. I am tired. I feel life and my plan for my life has rejected me.

WHY THE F*CK DO I WASTE MY TIME?! (I sit around giving excuses for ppl who clearly are too selfish and selfcentered to care about anyone else but themselves. I'm tired of talking and explaining till I'm blue in the face---and I'm coco-mel so that's A LOT OF F-ING TALKING!!---about what will make things better and what needs to happen in order for things to be "comfortable" or "happy" then NOTHING CHANGES..I'm to the point where I have to ask myself a serious question: "why?" Why stay with someone who shows little to no regard as to how you're doing or feeling? Why keep dealing with someone who seems to have the attitude "out of sight, out of mind"???? Why keep fighting for something that will never work under the current circumstances?? Why keep doubting your intuition??? If it doesn't make sense...its PROBABLY a LIE TIFFANIE!!! Wake the hell up and smell the BULLSHHHhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!TTTT. Who just doesn't call the person they say they care about? Who just blows off things cus they don't care enough about your feelings or enough about the relationship to make an effort?!?! Who says "I do care about you and have the same feelings as you do" but doesn't tell you how they feel about you, doesn't want to have meaningful conversation anymore, doesn't pay you a compliment, doesn't talk about future plans that involve you?!? Never takes FIVE F*CKING MINUTES OUT THEIR OHHHHH SOOO BUSY LIFE TO CALL AND SAY HELLO!!? maybe even a GOODMORNING/GOODNIGHT?!?! (I feel like crying but for what? that's not gonna change anything) What is it that makes me love so hard when I get so little in return....It can't just be the body or the looks cus that's nothing new for me. I just don't understand why I love so much, what can't seem to love me back. *Crying*

- I'm going to give law school another shot, but that means more student loans (cus the gov only gives money to the dirt poor!!!) Then I'd have to move back to stupid San Diego (I wanna be in LA!!!!) Then I'd have to figure out where I would live, and what job I could do while being a full time student. I know I have to think of where I see myself in 5-10 years and not just a year from now. Lord willing I want to have a family and a home and kids that I can support with no problems, you know give them a comfortable life. And God knows that's not gonna happen BARTENDING!!!! I need a life make over right now. I need a reset button. I can feel the heart turing into stone. I can feel the bricks being built back up protecting me from this hell of a life I lead. I know everyone sees me as this happy and positive female thats got it all together but LITTLE DO YOU KNOW!!!! I'm not in control of ANYTHING in my life right now and I hate it.

- 2010 is suppose to be my breakout year. The year I decided to stop putting up with all the minutia my mind thinks up and stop doubting myself and my abilities. I'm suppose to rid my life and emotions of people and circumstances that only hold me back and aren't helping the move toward success, love and happiness. I'm ready to do that. I went to the Santa Monica Peir last night to just clear my head and get away from the things and people that just drain me. I wasn't expecting much--which is probably why I had such a good time.

1. There was this group of dancers and breakers who were putting on a show. They said they had been doing this for 10 years and they were REALLY good. It was more than just some dancing, they had like a script that they do that was clearly memorized and rehearsed. I gave them $10 cus they were so entertaining and they made me laugh which was something I really needed at that time. Plus they pulled me out of the audience as a volunteer! They were great and I wish them the best of luck...

2. I was starving so In-n-Out was the greatest choice for me..had some bomb animal fries!!! Anyway, on the way there these guys stopped me to tell me about a comedy show that was gonna start in 10min and that it was free and open to the public and to come by after I finished from eating..and that's exactly what I did...very random and spontaneous...I needed it. I'm so happy I caught it in time because I was able to laugh some more. Though in reality I had nothing to laugh about, being able to just forget everything for a hour was great. There were 6 comedians and only 3 of them were super funny but I took a couple pics of 2 out of the 3 that were super funny...

3. After the show, I had to see what all the fuss was about this Cookie and Ice Cream spot called Diddy Riese. At one point the line wrapped around the building and I waiting till it died down cus the DEVIL IS A FOOL ...never would I ever stand in line for hours just to get fat off some cookies!! Anyway, I got 3WhiteChocolate Chip and 3Chocolate Chip cookies and they were pretty good, not sure if they are worth standing in a super long line for but they were tasty I must admit! Lol...So after eating a few of the cookies started getting cold so it was time to go home...The night overall was good. It was time I needed just to get into a different space and atmosphere...I'm glad I went and will definitely be going back very soon.

I've never been one to wallow in my tears and emotions so now that I've got this out, I can start attacking some of this stuff and make a few immediate changes...Law School (giving it another shot, gotta get my life back on some sort of structure)...Music (always in my heart, thats my ultimate dream)...Working towards my dream while opperating in my reality...Gotta make move people. My sanity depends on it...