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Monday, January 11, 2010

::WARNING:: Extreme Emotion...

I've been avoiding this all day but here goes nothing... 

::WARNING:: this is just going to come out as I think it and type it. So there may be a lot of grammer hypocrisy getting ready to take place. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!


There is so much on my mind I don't know where to start...

Where the heck am I going to go in May? (I've gotta be out my parents house by then and I'm in no position to do that yet) Ugh...I hate that they moved to Temecula..wtf?! what is this place??? I feel like I'm rotting as I type this. There is NOTHING HERE!! NO JOBS! NO FRIENDS!! NO SOCIAL LIFE!!! I'm just existing here...passing the days away waiting and waiting for an opportunity to spark, for God to open a door, shoot I'll craw through a window if he cracks one! I know I haven't been as close to God as I should be or have been but lately I just feel like the more I try, the more things fall apart. The more I reach out, the further things seem out of reach. I am tired. I feel life and my plan for my life has rejected me.

WHY THE F*CK DO I WASTE MY TIME?! (I sit around giving excuses for ppl who clearly are too selfish and selfcentered to care about anyone else but themselves. I'm tired of talking and explaining till I'm blue in the face---and I'm coco-mel so that's A LOT OF F-ING TALKING!!---about what will make things better and what needs to happen in order for things to be "comfortable" or "happy" then NOTHING CHANGES..I'm to the point where I have to ask myself a serious question: "why?" Why stay with someone who shows little to no regard as to how you're doing or feeling? Why keep dealing with someone who seems to have the attitude "out of sight, out of mind"???? Why keep fighting for something that will never work under the current circumstances?? Why keep doubting your intuition??? If it doesn't make sense...its PROBABLY a LIE TIFFANIE!!! Wake the hell up and smell the BULLSHHHhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!TTTT. Who just doesn't call the person they say they care about? Who just blows off things cus they don't care enough about your feelings or enough about the relationship to make an effort?!?! Who says "I do care about you and have the same feelings as you do" but doesn't tell you how they feel about you, doesn't want to have meaningful conversation anymore, doesn't pay you a compliment, doesn't talk about future plans that involve you?!? Never takes FIVE F*CKING MINUTES OUT THEIR OHHHHH SOOO BUSY LIFE TO CALL AND SAY HELLO!!? maybe even a GOODMORNING/GOODNIGHT?!?! (I feel like crying but for what? that's not gonna change anything) What is it that makes me love so hard when I get so little in return....It can't just be the body or the looks cus that's nothing new for me. I just don't understand why I love so much, what can't seem to love me back. *Crying*


- I'm going to give law school another shot, but that means more student loans (cus the gov only gives money to the dirt poor!!!) Then I'd have to move back to stupid San Diego (I wanna be in LA!!!!) Then I'd have to figure out where I would live, and what job I could do while being a full time student. I know I have to think of where I see myself in 5-10 years and not just a year from now. Lord willing I want to have a family and a home and kids that I can support with no problems, you know give them a comfortable life. And God knows that's not gonna happen BARTENDING!!!! I need a life make over right now. I need a reset button. I can feel the heart turing into stone. I can feel the bricks being built back up protecting me from this hell of a life I lead. I know everyone sees me as this happy and positive female thats got it all together but LITTLE DO YOU KNOW!!!! I'm not in control of ANYTHING in my life right now and I hate it.

- 2010 is suppose to be my breakout year. The year I decided to stop putting up with all the minutia my mind thinks up and stop doubting myself and my abilities. I'm suppose to rid my life and emotions of people and circumstances that only hold me back and aren't helping the move toward success, love and happiness. I'm ready to do that. I went to the Santa Monica Peir last night to just clear my head and get away from the things and people that just drain me. I wasn't expecting much--which is probably why I had such a good time.


1. There was this group of dancers and breakers who were putting on a show. They said they had been doing this for 10 years and they were REALLY good. It was more than just some dancing, they had like a script that they do that was clearly memorized and rehearsed. I gave them $10 cus they were so entertaining and they made me laugh which was something I really needed at that time. Plus they pulled me out of the audience as a volunteer! They were great and I wish them the best of luck...



2. I was starving so In-n-Out was the greatest choice for me..had some bomb animal fries!!! Anyway, on the way there these guys stopped me to tell me about a comedy show that was gonna start in 10min and that it was free and open to the public and to come by after I finished from eating..and that's exactly what I did...very random and spontaneous...I needed it. I'm so happy I caught it in time because I was able to laugh some more. Though in reality I had nothing to laugh about, being able to just forget everything for a hour was great. There were 6 comedians and only 3 of them were super funny but I took a couple pics of 2 out of the 3 that were super funny...

3. After the show, I had to see what all the fuss was about this Cookie and Ice Cream spot called Diddy Riese. At one point the line wrapped around the building and I waiting till it died down cus the DEVIL IS A FOOL ...never would I ever stand in line for hours just to get fat off some cookies!! Anyway, I got 3WhiteChocolate Chip and 3Chocolate Chip cookies and they were pretty good, not sure if they are worth standing in a super long line for but they were tasty I must admit! Lol...So after eating a few of the cookies outside..it started getting cold so it was time to go home...The night overall was good. It was time I needed just to get into a different space and atmosphere...I'm glad I went and will definitely be going back very soon.

I've never been one to wallow in my tears and emotions so now that I've got this out, I can start attacking some of this stuff and make a few immediate changes...Law School (giving it another shot, gotta get my life back on some sort of structure)...Music (always in my heart, thats my ultimate dream)...Working towards my dream while opperating in my reality...Gotta make move people. My sanity depends on it...

1 comments:

Sei'Lani Britagne said...

sista from another mistah. we r going through the same things. but on the love part, are you better off with him? or are you better off without him? I think thats the main thing i realized i have to think of. i know sometimes i invest alot of time and strength and emotion into someone and feel like im doing all the work and making all the time and sacrifices that it hurts me more when things still aren't returned or understood then because i invested all of that into him, seems like im stuck. like i don't wanna give up n let him go n have to start all over with someone else so i stay.
this time around, cams putting in all the effort and im just void of emotion n not sayin how i feel cuz i don't wanna get taken advantage of. So maybe ur man is like me and really is in love and really does care but doesn't wanna show it cuz he's in a funk, or maybe he's just being an asshole cuz he's just an asshole haha. its ur call. i think u know him better than anyone.


i have a trick : when u feel like u got shit on ur mind, or he makes u upset or sad or watever, turn on the most gangstah music u got. 50cent, eminem, mac dre, and ignant music and i can guarantee you'll be okay. you'd be like 'eff u nigga" (thats what im doing currently lmao : many men wish deat upon me lmaooo fiddy cent)