Lol... Half Truth / Half Lies??

Interesting... But these aren't real soooooo. Yolo? Lol smh...

Question...

You ever feel like God hates you? I do... Trying to figure out why.

A Reoccurring Inconvenient Truth

Too much time spent. Too many memories shared. Sucking the life out of the past is an immortal task. To break that which never wants to be broken. To bury its very existence.

"This" means a lot, but "that" means just a bit more. Actions scream what words attempt to hide. They are the subconscious happenings of a reality and truth we wish not to discuss or admit openly.

Regardless of its ability to choke life out of the present, the alluring comfort of the past offers a selfish sacrifice from the other. A stifled future filled with contempt...

The Irony of Politics...

FTW...

There is a point where my hurt turns to anger... That moment has come. There are so many things I want to say but I know that in this emotional state, that would be the WORST thing to do. I just want to disappear for a few days. Go somewhere far away from everyone. A part of me hates the fact that I've allowed myself to get to this point. I should've stuck to my guns and just kept to myself. I'm not vulnerable when I'm alone, I don't get emotionally attached to anything, I don't get hurt by anything or anyone. I'm just alone. Me. That's it. I sometimes HATE people. Yes.. hate. They are so selfish, so self absorbed, so inconsiderate, so arrogant, so annoying, so insensitive. I find myself in a world that I can at times, no longer relate. I feel alone most of the time and I use to be ok with that. I want that feeling back. I want to be closed off again...then, I was safe. Then, I was free to be me. But now I'm just angry. Mostly at myself for allowing this all to happen. To allow myself to be in this state of mind where I feel I have no control over anything. I'm tired of that feeling. I'm sick of people. I just want to be alone... but what am I complaining for? That's exactly what I am right now. Guess I'll enjoy it while it lasts...

Life : Fxcking with my Stability

Wow...I have totally abandoned my blog. This can't be healthy. Anyway I'm here so that's what matters I guess.

So much has happened.

That's really the best way to say it. Its funny how life can fxck with your stability. You think you've got life figured out then out of now where it slaps you across the face with a stench of reality.

.Harsh.Cold.Unapologetic.

I wonder sometimes if I'm dreaming or if life is one big PUNK'd show and God is Ashton Kutcher.

I hate to sound so jaded but for the past few years of my life, I've come to the conclusion that planning anything is pointless. Getting hyped over things you think you've set up for your life is a joke, because if it doesn't line up with God's ultimate plan it will be an utter DISASTER...

So with this new revolution, I've stopped expecting. I don't expect things to go right or wrong, I don't expect life to be smooth, I don't expect my plans to follow through, I don't expect for a prince charming to come and make things all better, I don't expect to find people who will be full of integrity, I don't expect people to do what they say they are going to do. I don't expect anything that would cause disappointment.

I'm done playing with life. I've waved the white flag a long time ago. I'm giving in to whatever it brings. Let things unfold, roll with the punches if you will.

 I just hope I'm strong enough for all these blows...

My little Cousins Singing Gospel

T-R-U-S-T-?!?

So I know its been a while...I have definitely miss you. Dear Blog...I'm back.

Anywho...I've been doing a lot of writing in my journal but not much on here so I guess I'll get on a topic that has been HEAVY on my mind and heart....TRUST!!

It is one of the most difficult things I deal with on a daily. To me, trust is like giving someone a loaded 9mm gun, pointing it at your heart and hoping.. "trusting" ..they won't pull the trigger. Get it?

Trust is an issue that I have dealt with for about 10years now...from broken friendship, family hurts, and devastating romantic relationships, my heart and mind have been made into the biggest skeptic over this issue.

The definition of trust goes something like this-->

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.


2. confident expectation of something; hope.

3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.

4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.

5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

6. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.

7. charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someones trust.

8. something committed or entrusted to one's care for use or safekeeping, as an office, duty, or the like; responsibility; charge.

So...is there such a thing as blind trust? I think trust is blind....the only time trust is visible or "revealed" is when it has been broken, sucks right? The only time we truly know whether or not we can trust someone is once that trust has been compromised in some way.
 
I know we are to suspect the good in a person before the bad...BUT...honestly its a lot easier said than done. I don't have many friends because I only let people get so far---Arms Length---that way they can't hurt me. Its weird because I've a very outgoing sociable person but when it comes time for the one on one...I only open up so much. Just enough...if you really want to get to know me...you MUST have patience because I am simply complex. Yeah I know...
 
Trust is something I think I will always struggle with...I'm just not comfortable being vulnerable. I could go on forever about this topic but I won't...If only there was a way to be certain. Now that's a super power I'd love to have...THE POWER OF CERTAINTY!!!

Until You Get Here...

The anticipation that is building is becoming overwhelming.
My mind is consumed with the thought of you being here.
The warm embrace I want to give you, the sensual kiss I'm going to plant on you.

Never thought I'd feel this way...
Its safe to say I'm simply falling.
For a love that makes me smile, a love that makes the days worries seem mundane.

So until you get here I'll keep on dreaming.
Until you get here I'll keep on praying.
Until you get here I'll continue to imagine how good it'll feel to finally hold you in my arms.

Until you get here I'll think of what your caress will feel like.
I'll think of how good your skin on top of my skin will be.
I'll imagine how great our first kiss will be.
What our first words to each other might sound like, will you be as nervous as me?

I'm trying to pretend that you're here with me now...
But honestly I know the real deal will be so much more worth while.
I'm ready when you are...
I've played it over and over in my head.
The tension is high and I'm more than ready to give this love thing another try.

Never thought I'd say this but..
I have a feeling you're going to be my most important "Hi..."

Unstable Affair...

As I write this I just let my fingers go...
Let my mind do the talking because for once I'm not sure what to say
I can't seem to figure out this one thing that's on my mind
Can't seem to find the energy to sort out the mess that is has become
Not sure if I even want to try at this point

There are times we just have to stop...
I have lost myself in a situation of ever-changing spaces
A ever swinging pendulum of emotions
I can't lose my balance in this unstable affair
So I hold on to myself because I know I'll never leave me

I can be sure that I'll never hurt me
Well at least purposefully...
There are times we are just as much to blame
Letting someone in that we knew would be no good
Throwing caution of vulnerability to the wind

We don't realize our hands are just as bloody
The pain just as much ours as theirs...
So I apologize to my heart, to my feelings, to my emotions
I wore you on my sleeve and forgot to protect you
Let this naive notion of happily ever after fool me

I was duped into believing that my skeptical brain was insane
But I see that I've only hurt me by not protecting me...
So where to go from here?
No where
For now, just be.

The Things We Do For Friends!! Ughh..

Ok...so this weekend I went to Palm Springs with for my best friend's birthday. It was suppose to be a weekend full of drinks, laughter, dancing, food, and good conversation with a good mix of people. Come to find out...(the day before)...a few people dropped out last minute and there was still an undecided person possibly coming. Little did I know, there were 3 confirmed couples going. So you know what that meant!? I would be the 7th wheel!!

I was hesitant to go still but my bestie assured me it was not going to be a couple's fest and that there would be at least one other single person going. So being the great friend that I strive to have, I went! And it was just my luck that the other person backed out the DAY OF!!! So I was stuck being the 7th wheel on what felt like a couples retreat!!

This is what that looks like for all you who can't seem to understand the seriousness of my frustration at the situation-->> As you can see everyone is coupled up! Lol smh...

I felt so uncomfortable and was ready to leave the moment we got there, but I stayed because I love my bestie and I knew she wanted me there to celebrate with her. Plus I know that if the shoe was on the other foot she would do the same for me.

So the first night was chill, just ate, and when back to the house. But the second night we went out to Morongo and it was a bust Lol...but the DJ was FIRE!! he was playing all the jams but there was NO CUTIES and I'm VERY picky so I did a lot of dancing with myself and a couple people but I was in my own world so I didn't care. But this is what I was looking like that night.

I had the natural look going...it's too hot to straighten my hair at the moment so I had to rock the curls. Lol but the weekend didn't get better as my Lakers lost tonight as well. Safe to say I'm glad to be back home and in an actual BED! Instead of the couch that I was on the whole weekend while all the other couples were in ROOMS!!! SMH...but uh. Its coo...and over now so I'm ok. But thank God for giving my bestie another year of life. We are truly blessed...

Risk-Free Love?!?

I wish there was such a thing as "risk-free love" but lets be honest, love is so complex that it requires an "all in" approach. I've had my share of heartaches and breaks but to be honest I'm not looking to be hurt again. I wish there was a way to remove all uncertainty and the drama that comes with opening up your heart to someone.

I seem to always be in a position where red flags are thrown up in my face and I either ignore them or make excuses for them. I wish there was a way I could be certain that the direction I'm going in is the right one and that I'm not setting myself up for more unnecessary drama and heartache. Lately I've been scared of love, not sure if I can trust it again.

I see signs that tell me loves an open road, but there are flags that keep popping up warning me that things may not be as they seem. I'm scared. Not sure if I should keep trusting, keep hoping, keep believing that what I'm being told isn't all smoke and mirrors.

My level of trust in people is at its lowest. I'm trying to be open to new situations and possible love interest but my mind is so critical, my heart is super skeptical and I can't seem to avoid running into moments of happiness followed by dry spells of bitterness and irritation.

 I just want to be happy.

 I just want to be treated the way I treat others.

I just want to love with no limits.

I just want to be able to trust again.

I want risk-free love.

Love that is real. Love that is unconditional. Love that is understanding.

Is that really so much to ask?!

My Trip to DC!!

Hellooooooo.....its been a while, but I'm sick with a killer fever so I've got time to blow and a few things on my mind but we'll start with my recent trip to DC about two weeks ago. I went with my bestie Kristine aka: Chicken to see a couple of our friends that we went to USD with (Danielle and KuKu). We had an amazing time and did so much in such little time but I'll post a few pics...

That's Kristine and I on board Virgin Airlines. Great airline to fly with!! We had hella snacks and our own tv's on the chairs and plenty of space. Definitely look into flying with them one day, the vibe was real chill and modern as you can see by the dim lighting and colorful roof.

The first night we didn't hesitate to get a taste of the DC night life. The first place we went to was a complete bust but the second place was CRACKIN!! Lol

From left to right: (Forgot her name), Kuku, Kristine, Me, Danielle.

We had a good time there but it was all kinds of HOT!! My hair was DONE by the end of the night Lol...

The next day we had a cookout and Mmmmmm...it was DELICIOUS!!! Made specially by Danielle's Jamacian Lover!! LOL hahahaha ;-)

It was so pretty out there and I had everybody drunk off my "Silent Creeper" drink lol

That night we hit up a graduation house party then a club that was SUPER HYPED but EXTRA SMALL!!!

This is what I wore that night...front to back ;-) Lol

Freakin' Kuku never looks the right way!! Lol Gotta love her though.

Yeah all of our eyes were low by this point...lol...too much fun.

After the night finally ended and I hit the bed around 5:30AM!! Lol we spent the day in GeorgeTown and at this outside bar on the bay.

There are so many more pics but these are just a few I thought I'd share. I'll definitely have to visit DC again soon becuase I lowkey miss it already. Great company, food, and drink. Nothing better. Great weekend!!

A REAL MALE BLOGGER

*Monique Voice* HEEEYYYYY BABBIES!!! I was checking out some of my newest follower's blogs and I stubbled across the blog of Nick.In.Real.Lyfe ; and I must say I was quite impressed with what I read. One entry in particular made me go "Awwwwww!!!" you know ladies, that kinda awww that makes you wish all guys where this way. It was a poem that spoke of real love, and the kind of love that's real, not contrived. Well I wanted to promote his blog and encourage some no, ALL of you to check out his blog and FOLLOW HIM!! We need more REAL MALE BLOGGERS!! So without futher adieu...enjoy this poem by Nick called "That Kinda Love"


That Kinda Love...

I dont wanna think of love as this four letter word kinda thing
the plain ol I met you so lets exchange a ring kinda thing
then a year later you on devorce court wit judge mablean kinda thing
truth be told, i want that back in the day old type of love
that i wanna be with you until we old kinda love
i want that goin from fades and kinky twist braids to
bald heads and the good wig for sundays kinda love
i want that she down for me kinda love
that when im down on one knee strugglin to keep the heat
or a place to sleep she keeps me in one piece kinda love
i also want that im down for her kinda love
even the payin for the nails and hair or
the singin bear to show her i care kinda love
But we aint focused on the materialistic...
I want that lets kick it kinda love
that random i love you office visit kinda love
that hold her close til i can feel her pulse kinda love
i want that words cant come close to telling you
that i love you the most kinda love.
But most importantly, i want that devine kinda love
that our souls intertwine while having god in our mind
thanking him for taking the time
to help me find this dream girl of mines kinda love
Finally, i want that til the end of time kinda love
that when we make it to those pearly gates
you're still mines kinda love...

Posted by NickInRealLyfe at 6:54am

Internet Dating?!

*Internet Dating__Cyber Dating__Technology Dating*

Do you do it? Know someone who does? How do you feel about it? I wanna know...

I saw this cartoon and it made me think of all the relationships or "partial relationships" that have been created through technology. With all the social networking sites, meeting someone at a local store, coffee shop, or mall seems like a thing of the past. Twitter, Skype, OovoO, Facebook, Myspace...the list goes on. But doesn't it make you think how much technology has changed us? It use to be taboo for a person to meet up with someone they met online but now a days it seems to be the norm...

I wonder if this style of dating actually works? I've often found myself in long distance relationships so technology is what usually holds my long distance situations going. My last 3 year relationship was with someone I originally met online...crazy right? That was a CRASH and BURN situtation though! Lol Well...to each is own I guess. But I thought I'd share this comic and see what you thought about it. So tell me what you think.

As always...I love you for reading and EVEN MORE for commenting!! Muahhh ;-)

You See My Name In Lights?!

If you don't you will...lol or at least that's what my prayer is. My first LOVE is and will ALWAYS be MUSIC!! I love to sing, it pretty much keeps me sane...ANYWAY! I've started a YouTube Music Channel and wanted to share it with you all. I'm going to start taking what many people have told me is "my gift" to sing more seriously, and use it.

So do me a favor by SUBSCRIBING and telling ALL your friends to subcribe as well. Leave a comment, rate...the whole nine!! Lol I'd love you long time and would really appreciate it. On another note, I'm going to an audition for MARY J BLIGE this saturday as a possible background singer!! I need your PRAYERS because I REALLY want to get this gig, it would be such a great experience!! I'll let you know whether or not I make it but between you and me...I'm really hoping I do...Well here is the page, please Please PLEASE check it out and let me know what you think!!

My Brother ; The Beastie Drummer

Hey hey hey...so I have a younger brother and ever since I can remember he has been banging on something. He used to take pots and pans out the kitchen and set them up like a drum set on our fireplace when he was like 2! Lol...he's really talented and has NEVER had a lesson on how to play the drums. It's truly a gift from God. So without futher ado...I introduce to you...my little brother...Michael Cross!!!

I Can't Believe Its Not BUTTA!!!!!

That's Smooth...But I'm Hard

If you're smooth like butta then I must be hard as rye bread...

You spread it on thick clogging every air pocket with your saturated sweet cream.

Having me think of days better than sliced bread.

Floating around in my brain when I could've sworn I was brain dead.

Dead to emotions and all feelings inside...

You leavened this whole lump and put some yeast to make me rise.

I refuse to be puddy or dough in one's hands.

Not looking to be molded or shaped into a symmetrical pan.

I wanna’ rise free, no bleach therapy.
Wheat and multi-grain fill up more paper than artificial claims

I know it may be gross but "I'm Just Saying"

What's the point of buttering me up and swallowing me whole?

When I've lost all hope in man, let alone be good for your soul.

There's mold on my edges and I'm beyond cracked and brittle.

Not ready to soften up, I'm afraid; more than just a little.

Softened up to be spewed out...

I'm sitting here reading your ingredients with much disbelief and doubt

It’s no Wonder I could be talking about bread,

But what's the big deal about needing the spread?

Having something to smooth out the rough parts

You know, take some of the burnt taste away...

Similar to a broken heart, it could help ease the pain.

To smooth out the rough patches, piece together the broken parts.

But if my heart were like bread I'd truly be the molding parts...

Tired of being stuck in this bag…needing to breathe this fresh air called life.

Just let me be, it’s ok if I'm free. I'll just be dry and good to me...

But if for only one night I could scream "I can't believe it’s not Butta"

I'd let you spray all just for your cumin pleasure...

So lay it thick in hopes of getting through; because who knows,

Maybe one day, I'll be smooth as butta too.

MARCH BDAY MADNESS!!!

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND RIIIGGGHHHTTT NOOOWWW!!!

Ok so as yall know my BORN DAY was MARCH 20th!! You know I had to do it big. So we started the great weekend on Friday night at the Saddle Ranch in Universal City Walk and lets just say, I didn't leave the same way I came. Hahahahaha LOL

So I love my two girls! My bestie Kristine aka Chicken!! Then the lovely miss Anastasia!! They helped me bring in my bday friday night and it was too much fun..to say the least...*falls and all* ahhahahaha...yeah I was gone yall. And shoutout to my BROTHER for being the first to call and tell me happy birthday!! (I love him...greatest lil bro ever)...*side note: if you have a sibling or siblings, love them because they will be the ones there for you when you need them most...real talk*

We ended that night reaaalllll late but it was ok because the next day was the BIG DAY and we had to do some shopping cus I had MONEY TO BLOOOWWWW *Lil Wayne Voice* LOL ;-)

That night we went to Lucky Strikes as planned and had a BLAST no other way to bowl in my opinion...I had the greatest time! The ones who cared most were there and I couldn't ask for anything more. So shoutout to Kristine, Anastasia, Montoya, JLo Lo, Lisa, Janelle, Cherish, and to the sexiest mexican I know JOSE! hahaha ;-) But here was the pic of all of us that night!

Oh and you know I had to get some BORN DAY KISSES!!! LOL hahaha Yeah buddy...rollin' like a big shot!!

I had such a great time...here are a couple more pics from the night:

So after a great night we woke up hella early to go to SIX FLAGS MAGIC MOUNTAIN!!

Best part about it is that we got our tickets FREE!! Yes, FREE!! we got hooked up by some guy in customer service...hahah gotta love it!

We got on just about EVERY ride in the park!! I swear I lost like 5 pounds walking around for like

6 HOURS!!

Yeah...I swear we were just some big kids the whole day. Until that night!! Lol we hit up Lucky Strikes in Torrance *HELLA BLACK PEOPLE* It was great!! They have karaoke and happy hour on sunday nights and we will FOR SURE be making a trip out that way next weekend because it was just too much fun!!

So in all we had a great weekend. A born day to remember for sure!! Great people, food, drink, entertainment, and FREE STUFF!! hahaha.. Can't beat that!! But MOST importantly, I had to thank God for letting me see another year. So many didn't make it to 2010 but I have and I'm thankful. 23 years young and I'm just getting started...this world ain't ready..I'm such a MARTIAN!!! ^_~

COME CELEBRATE!!

O-k-k-k!! It's about to go down this weekend!!!!!

 *why you may ask?*

BEACAUSE IT'S MY BORN DAY ON SATURDAY!!!!!

Yeah buddy!! I'm going to be 23 years young and like I told you all, I going to give you the info on where I'll be so you can come and celebrate with me and my girls!! We are going out Friday *TBD* to dance and get ooooonnnnnnnn!!! lol

Then we will have a great time at Lucky Strikes in Hollywood, CA on Saturday at 7:30pm!! We're going to enjoy some good food, drinks, laughs, and good company while we bowl then we're going to go out and run the streets of Hollywood all night!!!
So the question is:

You Down?!

AIM: MsCr0ss -- Twitter: @MsCr0ss