Monday, November 16, 2009


Ugh...ok. Today has been ONE OF THOSE DAYS!! Besides finding out that one of my family members, (the father of my 2aunts and 2uncles), passed away/was murdered, and that I didn't get to see the one person I've been dying to see for weeks now yesterday, I had a strange dream that I CAN'T remember but I know it was strange because I woke up scared, my heart was pounding, and my hands were balled up into an extremely tight fist. Now, I normally only dream once every two weeks and I remember EVERYTHING but this was weird, I've never felt that way before.

On top of that, a person from my past decides to hit me with this:

"I know this is random, but I just wanted to tell you that I think you're gonna be my wife one day...I know we rarely talk or even hang out for that matter but I just get a strong feeling that you are what I want in a woman. And frankly I think that us not being in each other's presence has been somewhat of a blessing in disguise. You are very attractive to me, you always have been, and knowing that you're a spiritual woman makes me even more intrigued by you...I'm sorry that I hit you out the blue with this...and maybe it means nothing...but I just felt the need to share that with you...I hope you're having a great weekend and I hope that all has been well..."
My response..WTF?!? Are you kidding me? Oh now you feel this way? Now you want to share your feelings and get deep and talk about serious commitments??? WTF??? Why do guys do this??? What am I suppose to do with that? This ish is all too familiar, I've had EX after EX breakup with me and then come to some EPIPHANY weeks, months, or in this case YEARS later and tell me that they are sorry for not treating me right, how they realize what they had, how they want to start over, how they really do love me and are ready to make things work. F THAT!! I'm tired...I'm done loving people and caring for people who can only seem to appreciate me once I'm gone. I've had enough. NO THANK YOU!!

This was posted today on one of the few blogs I follow by WithLoveStarz, it's perfect to how I'm feeling right now.

I couldn't have said it better...I'm so irritated by people/guys who can't recognize a great woman when she's staring them in the face. It doesn't make any sense to me. It seems as though every guy I deal with is lost, unsure, scared, or too selfish to understand what love is and how to deal in a serious relationship with a woman who knows exactly what she wants and deserves. It's only until they lose that person or come close to it that they understand what it means to love and if the grass truly is greener on the other side. Truth is, there aren't that many fish in the sea...let me fix that, there are PLENTY of DESPERATE WHORES out there but there are very few women who know how to love, have an education, can hold interesting conversation, have a real relationship with God, brought up well-rounded with a good head on her shoulders and on top of all that, isn't too bad to look at!

I had to get some insight from one of my guy friends about all this and about someone I'm trying to develop a serious relationship with now and how I feel as though I'm not a priority and how I want him to show that he cares for me even when we aren't face to face. He had this to say:
"You are priority. I just feel he's not very emotional so if he's bothered he shuts down. He won't talk, short and his way of showing frustration is distancing himself. It's a defense mechanism. I could be wrong about him but he does care about you as much as you do but doesn't know many ways of showing it. He doesn't want to look weak. That's the worst sign a man could show. If he does he feels he lost his manhood. He's afraid of getting emotionally attached to you to where he won't know what he'll do without you. He's scared, that's all that is." -Richie W.
Sobering words for the situation I'm currently in but its crap like this that makes me become jaded on love and relationships. It frustrates me to think that guys sabotage relationships because of their pride and fear of being in love alone. Now I know there are some females out there like that but in my experience this behavior seems to keep repeating itself. I'm just tired, tired of trying. Tired of being the only one willing to be inconvenienced for love... Tired of being so giving and not receiving, tired of compromising, I'm tired of mediocrity. I'm ready for love. Love that knows no limits, love that has no excuses, love that isn't afraid to fall, and a love that is shown and not just spoken...

Is all this really too much to ask? Am I being overly sensitive or emotional? I think not. I'm only asking for what I would willingly do myself. That message really struck a nerve in me and made me realize how many times this has happened. It made me angry and bitter, these are feelings I thought I had dealt with. Now all I can do is ask God to take those remnant feelings away and heal those wounds so I can love a with no fear, so that I do not become that which I despise. Someone once said death is easy, that's why life is hard, well to me lust is easy and love is hard...I'd like to think I'm strong enough to take on the latter.

P.S. - Currently listening to "Crawl"- Chris Brown (so appropriate for this entry)


LaDyK said...

I know the frustration of this entry. I haven't been in many relationships, except for one and it reflects this all so well.

A friend and I were talking about how so many people say you need to guard you heart, and that you need to try to find a balance of loving someone but guarding yourself just in case they're not the one when it comes to relationship. In some sense this is understandable, like in the starting of a relationship, but when you're at a level where you are aware of the others intentions of wanting to be with you, love you, then wouldn't it be easier to let your guard down? IDK, it would seem logical but to so many not probable.

I'm very loving, caring, open, and a wear my heart on my sleeve type of person. I love hard on my family and friends, and it's hard to tapper that, because that's just my nature you know. But then again that seems to be a different kind of love, then that for a boyfriend. I mean the dynamics would be the same, but there would be more to that love you know.

I feel like some people are either on one extreme or the other. You have a person heavily guarded or a person who has more of an open-heart. Being on either extreme has its consequences, but somehow you have to find a balance of both. How do you do that? That's something I'm trying to figure out. For some reason I feel like there's really no happy medium between the two. That's just me, though. As much as I want to guard myself, I find myself going back to me being open to those who don't deserve my openness. That's a battle, I'm trying to work out within myself.

I totally see where you're coming from. It is frustrating, but know that you're not alone girl. Love you.

Shandra E...*the misses said...

I definitely understand where you're coming from & i see it the way you do... Why wait till i'm walking away?? some people don't realize what you do for them until you stop doing it! And that's REAL (i had to wonder, is it ME or is it simply what I can do for you that keeps you so stuck?)...sometimes that person feels so compelled to "win" you back because the bottom line is: they're a needy person with a void in their life...relationships tend to pacify voids so the moment that fulfilling relationship walks away...they're like a deflating balloon, slowly collapsing without you...Then suddenly, like you said, The Ephiphany of "i can't live without you" comes along...OH PLEASE! ;-/

I've learned that while there may be Many fish in the sea, the most beautiful, captivating fish are near the bottom of the requires some depth and true searching to stay in my pressence...anybody not willing to take a deep breath & go under, will drown or go floating right back up to shallow waters...

Ms_Cr0ss said...

Thank you ladies for your insight...Ms. Shandra, you really hit me with that deep sea analogy..I LOVE IT!! Definately sticking that in my pocket..Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Very well said. You write really well. You hit a few things right on the head there. Reading your point of view, has definitely given me a new insight.

The- Damsel said...

Nice post. Lots of girls including myself have or are in this situation. Men can be tricky sometimes so I feel that its best to guard your heart like Ladyk said because many women get carried away especially when they first meet a guy, they start planning a wedding and they start imagining his last name at the end of her first name. What you said about women who are attractive and well rounded is true, but I too wonder why men cant see a good woman and stick to her. I feel as though the desperate girls, the girls who are quick to sleep with a man without knowing his name are the girls who are "winning" in this dating "game"...SMH

Ms_Cr0ss said...

Thanks for commenting Ms. Damsel...I completely agree with you. The girls that are quick to give a guy everything are the ones that seem to be more successful in the dating game; HOWEVER, these are the same females making it harder on US RARE BREEDS once the good guys are done playing and try to settle down with us...Its a terrible cylce.

Niku said...

*sigh* frustrating isn't it?

Niku said...

OMG! i just read the first part of this is the exact same thing i experienced recently and i had the same thoughts as u. when they realized that you've moved on, that's when they come back and whisper sweet nothings in your ear...qhy now? why not before when i opened up to u? why after my heart has taken time to heal....i hate guys. i wish.