Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A Lesson...

Another day has past and I can't say that I feel any better than I did last night. Though I am thankful for another day, it hasn't gone the way I wish it had. I went to an all women’s bible study today and the lesson posed the question: "Are you allowing the hand that FEEDS you, to also be the hand that LEADS you?" Basically asking, after God gives you all the various things we all pray and ask him for and he gives them to us, are we willing to let him be Lord of our lives, or is it contingent upon whether he provides and gives us what we want. We focused on John chapter 6. This is the chapter of miracles, where God feeds 5,000 people with 2 fish and 5 loafs of bread, and where he walks on water.

The question made me think about my level of faith, as it was suppose to for everyone else as well. I like to think that I have a strong foundation in believing God for things I can't see or that aren't tangible. But the reality is, I question some of the things he allows me to go through and experience. I wonder sometimes if I'm on the right path or if God even hears me when I ask him for direction in certain situations.

For example, I have been out of college for a year now, I'm still living in my parents house, I don't have a steady career yet, and there are so many different directions I would like to go and passions that I'd like to pursue that I'm stagnant in a life that is very unfulfilling. Now I'm suppose to believe that I'm going through this stage in my life for a purpose and that I am suppose to learn something during this time of uncertainty. BUT WHAT THAT LESSON IS I HAVE NO IDEA!! And frankly, I'm really tired of it.

I want so much out of life and I want to leave this world having some sort of impact. (Don't we all??) By the way...I'm listening to India Arie's "Good Mourning" it's a great song and totally expresses my mood right now...but ANYWAY...this process of letting God have his way in my life is tough. Every time I think I have it down, he throws something my way that causes me to start back at 1. I know that I need to just trust that God knows exactly what he's doing in my life and that he has a master plan for my life but I just want to see some more steps, a little clearer path, something to make me see that there is "light at the end of the tunnel."

I want to finish this entry but I'm just not feeling it right now at all....sorry. The more I write the more irritated and frustrated I get so I'm just going to call it a night...I have rehearsal tomorrow (I sing) and singing always makes things better, at least for a little while. Its my escape from reality so hopefully that'll help me carry out the rest of this week that hasn't gone so well for me. As always, I love you for reading. Follow me and if you want, drop me a line, tell me what's on your mind. That's all for now....Goodnight world.