Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Welcome back...I'd do all the happy stuff but right now I'm SO frustrated and I have no one to vent to because my only two friends won't answer their phones so here we are...You're the lucky ones I get to vent to!

So as I've already told you. I'm in a complicated "relationship" right now. His name will go unmentioned but we'll call him "Care Bear." We have been talking to one another for about 2 years now and over that time period we have split and "reconnected" about 3 times now. (P.S.- I've got Paramore's "Decode" on repeat right now)...

Care Bear lives in Phoenix, AZ and I'm in Temecula, CA...Enough said!! That's about 400 miles between the two of us and it sucks. Because of the distance, we have a very volatile "relationship." The littlest things cause ridiculous arguments, silent treatments, passive aggressive conversation, and at times yelling spats...

Now you might ask why I decide to stay. What keeps me wanting to be in a situation that seems too difficult and stressful to be in? Well...Care Bear and I have almost the perfect relationship when we are together. We make each other laugh, finish each other's sentences, and get each other's goofy jokes and behavior, not to mention we look AMAZING together! LoL... but seriously, when we are together I don't have a doubt or worry in my mind. When we are together, he makes me happy. He's attentive, sweet, funny, possessive (in a good way), we can worship God together (WHICH IS GREAT) and we just have the best times together, even when we aren't doing anything at all but watching TV, or "playing" (rough-housing).

But we are lucky if we see one another once a month. This causes so many problems. We are both strong-willed and opinionated people, with even stronger personalities. I'm extremely emotional and Care Bear, not so much. Like I told you before, I'm the hopeless romantic type. Meaning I melt over sappy surprises like letters in the mail, random-thoughtful-sweet text messages, nicknames, PDA...etc. (You know, all the stuff that makes girls google-eyed, I like to know that a guy wants me and only me and for EVERYONE else to know it as well.

I have major trust issues, that I have learned to curb during this "relationship," but this time around feels different. I don't know if its because I have my guard up because I don't want to "fall" blindly again, only to be left in love alone again, or if its because now that I have laid all my cards out (my feelings for Care Bear) that he feels like whatever happens I’ll always be waiting with open arms. It sucks when you love someone so much but nothing you do seems right or makes the other person feel just how much you care. I do love Care Bear but I don't know if that's enough...

 Sometimes I wonder if he's even capable of loving me they way I feel I need love. I'm an emotionally, needy person. What I mean by that is, I LOVE HARD and in return I expect to receive that same passion. When I love someone, I give my all to them. I do whatever I can to make them happy and I am completely faithful. I know when I truly care or love someone because I don't have the desire to even want attention from or talk to other guys, and that's how I feel with Care Bear. My feelings for him are more real to me than anything right now. If I had my way, I'd make it so Care Bear and I lived a lot closer to one another because there would be no issues.

 We had a misunderstanding (as usual) tonight and didn't get off the phone in a good way. This behavior is all too familiar and I don't want it to become a habit when we aren't able to see and talk to one another face-to-face. I just don't get how when we are together everything seems so right, but the moment we aren't with one another everything becomes so tense, and erratic. For those of you that have been in a situation similar to this PLEASE offer your advice! I'm at the point where I don't know what to do anymore because everything I try doesn't have lasting results.

 I have never met anyone like Care Bear. Sometimes I swear he is the male version of me, in that we are so much alike but at the same time we are SO different!! It's just crazy to me...I HATE THE DISTANCE!!! The air and space that causes so much frustration and confusion… If I think too much about it, I'll start to cry. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the type of person that's meant to be alone. Is it really possible to find someone to love me for me?

To be honest, I simply don't want anyone else but if I'm forced to just give up it'll be a great loss for me emotionally because he's my best friend. It'd be more than just losing a "boyfriend," or someone I kiss and hug on, but someone that I connect with SPIRITUALLY, EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY, and PHYSICALLY! (And that's hard to find) I feel hopeless sometimes, but then I have to tell myself that if it's meant to be then it'll be...its all in God's hands anyway right?

I just pray that things work out, but nights like these don't help. I'm always open to comments and opinions so don't be afraid to follow my blog and shoot me your thoughts. They'll be much appreciated...Well, I'm off to bed with a bit of a heavy heart, but tomorrow is a new day...Goodnight all!!