Question...

You ever feel like God hates you? I do... Trying to figure out why.

A Reoccurring Inconvenient Truth

Too much time spent. Too many memories shared. Sucking the life out of the past is an immortal task. To break that which never wants to be broken. To bury its very existence.

"This" means a lot, but "that" means just a bit more. Actions scream what words attempt to hide. They are the subconscious happenings of a reality and truth we wish not to discuss or admit openly.

Regardless of its ability to choke life out of the present, the alluring comfort of the past offers a selfish sacrifice from the other. A stifled future filled with contempt...

The Irony of Politics...

FTW...

There is a point where my hurt turns to anger... That moment has come. There are so many things I want to say but I know that in this emotional state, that would be the WORST thing to do. I just want to disappear for a few days. Go somewhere far away from everyone. A part of me hates the fact that I've allowed myself to get to this point. I should've stuck to my guns and just kept to myself. I'm not vulnerable when I'm alone, I don't get emotionally attached to anything, I don't get hurt by anything or anyone. I'm just alone. Me. That's it. I sometimes HATE people. Yes.. hate. They are so selfish, so self absorbed, so inconsiderate, so arrogant, so annoying, so insensitive. I find myself in a world that I can at times, no longer relate. I feel alone most of the time and I use to be ok with that. I want that feeling back. I want to be closed off again...then, I was safe. Then, I was free to be me. But now I'm just angry. Mostly at myself for allowing this all to happen. To allow myself to be in this state of mind where I feel I have no control over anything. I'm tired of that feeling. I'm sick of people. I just want to be alone... but what am I complaining for? That's exactly what I am right now. Guess I'll enjoy it while it lasts...

Life : Fxcking with my Stability

Wow...I have totally abandoned my blog. This can't be healthy. Anyway I'm here so that's what matters I guess.

So much has happened.

That's really the best way to say it. Its funny how life can fxck with your stability. You think you've got life figured out then out of now where it slaps you across the face with a stench of reality.

.Harsh.Cold.Unapologetic.

I wonder sometimes if I'm dreaming or if life is one big PUNK'd show and God is Ashton Kutcher.

I hate to sound so jaded but for the past few years of my life, I've come to the conclusion that planning anything is pointless. Getting hyped over things you think you've set up for your life is a joke, because if it doesn't line up with God's ultimate plan it will be an utter DISASTER...

So with this new revolution, I've stopped expecting. I don't expect things to go right or wrong, I don't expect life to be smooth, I don't expect my plans to follow through, I don't expect for a prince charming to come and make things all better, I don't expect to find people who will be full of integrity, I don't expect people to do what they say they are going to do. I don't expect anything that would cause disappointment.

I'm done playing with life. I've waved the white flag a long time ago. I'm giving in to whatever it brings. Let things unfold, roll with the punches if you will.

 I just hope I'm strong enough for all these blows...

My little Cousins Singing Gospel

T-R-U-S-T-?!?

So I know its been a while...I have definitely miss you. Dear Blog...I'm back.

Anywho...I've been doing a lot of writing in my journal but not much on here so I guess I'll get on a topic that has been HEAVY on my mind and heart....TRUST!!

It is one of the most difficult things I deal with on a daily. To me, trust is like giving someone a loaded 9mm gun, pointing it at your heart and hoping.. "trusting" ..they won't pull the trigger. Get it?

Trust is an issue that I have dealt with for about 10years now...from broken friendship, family hurts, and devastating romantic relationships, my heart and mind have been made into the biggest skeptic over this issue.

The definition of trust goes something like this-->

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.


2. confident expectation of something; hope.

3. confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.

4. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.

5. the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

6. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.

7. charge, custody, or care: to leave valuables in someones trust.

8. something committed or entrusted to one's care for use or safekeeping, as an office, duty, or the like; responsibility; charge.

So...is there such a thing as blind trust? I think trust is blind....the only time trust is visible or "revealed" is when it has been broken, sucks right? The only time we truly know whether or not we can trust someone is once that trust has been compromised in some way.
 
I know we are to suspect the good in a person before the bad...BUT...honestly its a lot easier said than done. I don't have many friends because I only let people get so far---Arms Length---that way they can't hurt me. Its weird because I've a very outgoing sociable person but when it comes time for the one on one...I only open up so much. Just enough...if you really want to get to know me...you MUST have patience because I am simply complex. Yeah I know...
 
Trust is something I think I will always struggle with...I'm just not comfortable being vulnerable. I could go on forever about this topic but I won't...If only there was a way to be certain. Now that's a super power I'd love to have...THE POWER OF CERTAINTY!!!